Although I did not screw, I’m screwed.

Well. I have not failed. Yet.
But it’s worse.
First of all, she opened the “feelings” bottle. That’s crap. I can’t stop thinking about her. So much that I need to talk about it.
Second, this makes me sound lame. Seriously, this is a blog about poker, football et technology (although I haven’t spoken of poker yet). It should reeks of testosterone. But it seems like it’s gonna turn out mushy.

Whatever. I’ve had 15 readers since the start of the blog. So I don’t really mind.

This said, here’s a quick recap since last time : I came to her birthday party, then we ended up at her place and had some fun. Fun and cuddles.

The following morning, we returned to our lives. She had to go to work and I had to head back home. It was then quite clear to me : I like her and I’m gonna see her again. I could be her boyfriend or her friend with benefits that I couldn’t care less.

Then I challenged myself to not text her too much, in order to avoid screwing this embryo of relationship. Plus, it was giving her the initiative of contacting me, so that I could figure how she was (re-)considering me. This plan could have worked, had I sticked to it. Instead, I changed my plan halfway and decided to have a talk. I admitted that I liked spending time with her and that we should see each other more often.

Her response was then “I don’t know what you are looking for, but I’m not looking for a couple relationship as of now. Although I also like hanging out with you a lot.”

“Good” is what I should have told myself. Cause that’s also what I’m looking for. But my mind played tricks on me. Now, some part of me wants more. And that sucks. Cause I want what I can’t get. And I’m not even sure that I would have wanted that if she hadn’t told me this.

There is also something that riddles me : I don’t know if we became exclusive. I can’t ask this. And I kinda need to know. Cause my curiosity is nurturing my jealousy. I wouldn’t be any jealous if the rules were set clearly.

And as long as I won’t know, I will be over-interpreting her texts.

Her at 2PM : “Sorry, I went out of battery last night”
Interpretation : Why is she sorry ? Why did she have to justify herself ? I didn’t ask anything. And why is she answering only at 2 of the afternoon ? Was she waiting for her other guy to leave her place ?

Me : “So when did you get home ?”
Her : “I went home by train.”
Me : “So it’s either 1AM or 6AM, which one was it ?”
Her : “I don’t know, I can’t remember.”
Me : “Were you that drunk ?”
Her : “Not a bit.”
Interpretation : So what’s that ? A joke ? An unprepared lie ? Why does she have to answer vaguely ? Once again, she is entitled to her body, I have not tattooed my name on it. So why can’t she answer straight ?

See what this is doing to me ?
I getting pathetic and miserable. This is the price for feeling alive.

One way or the other, I’m screwed. Damn.


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